On Wanting Something… But Not Following Through (and The Vunerability of Being Seen)

I’ve been *wanting* to get into a consistent blogging routine for… Months. But I find myself procrastinating at actually sitting down to write a start-finished blog post.

And it’s not because I don’t know how. I know how to structure a blog post. I know about content marketing. I even know about building websites and so the most obvious second post to write for a new blog would be the classic ‘how to start your own blog’ post – heck it’s the one that could make the most money too! (There’s quite a well-known blogger who brings in fifty thousand dollars per month from this kind of blog post from one affiliate)

So as a designer who has taught others for years how to build websites, that’s the easiest and most logical, quick-win first blog post for me to write – but it’s not the most meaningful. At all.

Publishing that easy-to-write post deprives me of the opportunity to sit with the uncomfortable-ness of ‘what is it that I actually want to say?’

What would be the most meaningful to future readers?

What am I scared of?

Because sitting with that is where the vulnerability and the transformation comes from.

So, I thought about it quite a bit, and I understand the underlying sensitivity is about being seen. I have all kinds of personal opinions and philosophies on life. And I believe I have a perspective that is different and possibly helpful to others if heard (let alone the awesome insights I receive!)

But I’m restraining myself. I guess I don’t want to piss anyone off, or have the backlash of a hateful comment.

What if someone thinks I’m crazy?

What if they dob me in that I’m crazy!?

Is that a thing?

Do I actually have freedom of speech?

All of those little doubts are wounds that have occurred… at some point.

But I’m thinking of the words of Kate Northrup; “what matters more, my mission or someone else’s judgment?”

A quote I often hear is “everything you want is on the other side of fear” ~~ and honestly, I hate hearing that. This lifetime for me has been about overcoming my internal fear. And so this hits me at my core – and I want to scream and yell; like you’re wrong – that’s not how it works!

But I guess it’s possible that feeling our fear and doing it anyway just might be true. And I kinda get it, it in a I-don’t-really-want-to-do-but-I-do-kind-of-way. We’re scared when it comes to potentially losing the status quo and the things that we’re used to. And if we would proceed anyway, regardless of the fear, maybe there would be so much relief there…

We each have so many aspects and archetypes within us; the carer, the bitch, the mother, the victim, the warrior, the mystic.

If you saw me out and about, you might just think I’m just an average young Australian woman. And maybe I am, but gosh I don’t feel like one. I feel like the biggest outcast – because of my external and internal experiences throughout my life. For better or for worse, I feel very different. And so this ‘being seen’ for me will continue to be a progression.

But I think we all have a lot going on, either in our past, in ways that have shaped up, or things we are going through now – you can never really know what someone is going through, what they’re thinking, how they’re feeling, or how much they have to offer. It’s very ironic really. And so, when I interact with others I always try to create a safe and caring space for them to be themselves, judgment-free, to open up, have fun, and leave so much room for them to surprise me – because we’re all co-creating in other’s realities and this is where the magic happens.

Maybe this inner-dialogue helps you to start the thing you’ve been wanting to do but can’t seem to do. Because we’re all procrastinating at something, putting it off, because somewhere there, we’re being triggered, perceiving judgment (whether real or imaginary) and usually it’s those things that we know we should do, that we WANT to do, but we’re scared that will make the biggest impact.

So what do I really want to say on this blog…

You always have choices, even if right now you can’t see them. Don’t let the densities of the world let you forget your true nature. You can dare to dream – you have the ability to design your desires beyond what you could ever have imagined possible!

And what’s coming through me now is….

You are so worthy of everything you want. And if you’re reading this, you’re needed in this world. You might feel like right now you don’t belong. But you so wanted to be here. And you’re a changemaker. And even though it’s hard, there is so much joy and love to be experienced in this time on earth.

 

Update:
I wrote this in 2022 and one year on, I still feel every word is true. But today, the difference is I’m pressing on and pushing publish. The fear I had felt so strongly of being seen is diminishing and I finally feel like I will be able to press publish on my writings. When I do share my callings with others in conversations, I light up and I know that to not do this thing online because I’m scared would be a missed opportunity for fulfilment and connection.

I think the elements that have softened that fear, for me, have been time and dealing with hard emotions. The other day my partner asked me how I am and I found a unique way to articulate truly how I am now — I said “This is definitely not the happiest I’ve ever been in my life, but this is the most capable I’ve ever felt. Whatever life throws at me, even all at once, I know I’ll be able to handle it.” A few years ago I would have crumbled. But this new stability and self-trust has really simmered the fear down. It’s also allowed my most meaningful elements in life to come to the forefront and that’s a beautiful thing.